Tempered Encouragement

Yesterday morning, while we were prepping for the bee, my daughter asked me if I thought she was going to make it to regionals this year. I told her it depended on how good the competition was. I mean, it's not like I haven't told her time and again how well she's been doing, so I thought it was implied. She didn't think so. Her reaction was something along the lines of a sarcastic 'thanks for the vote of confidence, mom'.

Thinking about that conversation this morning, it doesn't seem all that important. After all, whether I was being an unconditional cheerleader or not, she succeeded and made the regionals. She did it based on her own hard work, not on any shallow praise I would have offered were I a different sort of person.

The importance of that conversation in the whole scheme of things, though, is this. I don't believe in handing out empty encouragement or false praise. My kid has come to know this over the years, so when I do encourage her, she knows I know she can do it, and when I do praise her, she knows I really mean it. I'm chalking yesterday's sarcasm up to nerves. She got over it and so did I.

My point here is that all kids need praise and encouragement, but I don't think it should ever come without a basis. And it should always be based on accomplishment. Even when sometimes it's hard to see accomplishment, find something--however small--to base your praise on. Kids are pretty smart. They know when you're full of it. Telling little Johnny how wonderful he is when he hasn't done anything but breath in-and-out successfully, only tells him he doesn't have to try to succeed because you're just going to praise him anyway. (And if he's really astute, he'll get the idea you'll praise him equally for good things and nothing, so what's the point.)

On the other hand, you shouldn't dole out criticism without a basis either. Being always critical can be just as bad as always uncritical. Either way, you're only teaching your child their accomplishments, or lack thereof, don't matter.

I know it's easier to tell them they're wonderful all the time, and they're successful at everything they do, but if we wanted the easy route, we wouldn't be homeschooling. And the easy route isn't always the one that leads to success. Suck it up. And you may be pleasantly surprised at how much they can accomplish.

Then you can really dole out the praise... and rightfully so.